Geez.

It's astounding how much the weather can influence my mood... I honestly think my hopes rise and fall with the sun. Well, that's a stretch there's been many a dark days that my mood has been quite light. Anyhow, from here no yank will ever scoff when I tell them I'm from South Carolina because we don't understand the meaning of "winter". 

Obviously, the weather is something I give immense thought, usually because it dictates Lane and my day.

Moving on to more interesting topics like per say, Lane. She is now 4 months 1 week. How did it come so quickly!? So many times I've heard people say, "it goes so fast" I've read "it goes so fast" even more. Yet, now that it IS here and going SO fast... I'm astonished. 

Anyhow, for anyone out there... when you have a baby, welp, it goes so fast.

So, long.

Since the last time I've written you could say A LOT has happened. I was hitched in an intimate ceremony to Mr. Matthew Dowdell... or just Matt. I moved in with my in-laws and brother in-law far far from home... Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Oh, and by far one of the most important changes to my life would have to be the birth of my daughter, Miss Lane Isabella Dowdell. Most often she is lovingly called Bit for Little Bit of Baby... I'm not to sure where this nickname came from or quite what it means but that's neither here nor there. 

Matt and I consider ourselves modern day vagabonds, we're quite a brood... especially when we have Lane in tow and considering she's our daughter it's pretty often. As I begin to divulge our day to day lives it will become apparent what why I use the term vagabond. I hope to return very soon but I can't make any promises.  

25 weeks pregnant and 4 until my wedding

I am so excited to lay eyes and hands on Matt I can hardly stand it. Our baby girl is doing great! She's measuring well and keep's on bouncin around.

June 24, 2011

For the last two weeks I have been hoarded up at the beach… maybe not quite hoarded but I was at the beach. It has been wonderful, like a private sanctuary where my mom, M and I walked Ocean Boulevard early in the mornings, ate turkey sandwiches, shopped, shopped, shopped, laid on the beach, ate delicious dinners, and basically had most importantly quality time. When God decided M and Matt were going to be part of my new life adventures I had no idea the blessings that would come with them.

M, you are moving around so much now… it’s unreal. I think you’re ready to come meet everyone already! This is the last week we’ll spend with Momma, Daddy and Landis. Especially Momma. What are we going to do! She’s been our eating; shopping, doing nothing, walking, planning and everything buddy. I am so excited that our next stage means Matt will be a part of our lives every day and that our family will officially be cemented though.

It’s going to be really hard to leave the ties that bind me to South Carolina. Although, I’ve left before this feels different (as it should, I’m getting married). Preparation time is in full effect I’m trying to pack, and somehow I’m still planning the wedding. I have so many lists that I’m not sure I’ll even have time to quit writing them before the actual day. Ha, which is how it’s should be I suppose. All of the arrangements and planning has been a lot of fun and I couldn’t be happier that I’ve been able to do so much. Hopefully, it’ll go off without a hitch… haha, we’ll see.

"Let there be light"

Amen.

Today mom and I visited the specialist... finally! It feels like I've been waiting years to see him, Dr. Brown and his lovely assistant (ultrasound technician) Heather. They were angels wearing doctors costumes. They took mom and I and treated us like we were special, not incompetent, worthy of their time and valued... before the visit ended I hugged them both- including the med student who was sitting in on my ultrasound.

I awoke this morning well before my 8 o'clock alarm sounded. I read about birth defects and I went for a nice long walk, before the sun was beating on the pavement.

We left for Columbia about 9:00 and arrived in the doctors office at 10:10. After waiting for ab 30 min we were taken to the back... 200 years and 30 minutes... can you imagine how bad my makeup looked by then?

Heather ultrasounded, measured, scaled, explained for 45 minutes... from the top of M's head and all around the arms of legs of her little body. She showed us the kidney (scared us, a little bit) then retrieved the doctor.

He came in looked at baby M for 5 minutes and said, "It's blockage, she'll need surgery". Then, I rolled right off the table directly onto the cement floor, lost consciousness and cried for 48 hours.

Just kidding... I think...

What the doctor had seen ended up not being cysts at all, M has blockage in her right kidney which is preventing it from disposing of liquid properly. The tube that her urine runs through has a "kink" in it. She'll need surgery right after birth in order to fix her tiny bladder problem. We have to find a pediatric urologist and I will be sure to make EVERYONE aware that my baby is even more special than originally thought.

Afterwards, we picked up Matt's gorgeous wedding band... which he picked out himself. Had a light lunch, yogurt and headed to the mall.

Mom and I bought M her first set of dishes from Williams and Sonoma with a matching bib. Matt and I received matching his and her scrappers. Very exciting, mine's pink his blue.

Having this time with my mom has been one of the most amazing blessings to come from all my happenings. I feel closer to her than ever in my life and our relationship has blossomed. It makes me very sad ALREADY to think of leaving her. I feel certain M will feel the pangs of loneliness too as we make our way up the winding road towards Pittsburgh.

M,
Baby girl today when we were watching you in the doctors office you started knawing on your umbilical cord and smacking your lips! It was so amusing, you stuck your tongue out for us as well... oh so ladylike. Getting to meet you will be one of the most exciting moments of my life... that and marrying your daddy. He's wonderful and I have a feeling we'll be falling in love with him over and over for the next 100 years.

I love you so much,
M

"There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light"- ab

What a whirlwind the last week has been.

First, there was my bridal luncheon that consisted of just family. It was held at Redbone Alley and Rella Weaver hosted the shin-dig. We had a wonderful time. I was nervous… usually bride and baby don’t go hand in hand. Yet, as usual in my case well… that isn’t the case.

I came home light-hearted and utterly pleased.

Second, Matt left what feels like forever ago. His visit was so restorative to my soul. Matt brings so much joy when he’s around, it’s really quite a shame he isn’t pocket-sized.

Third, I had a shower. With lots of people and baby M strapped down underneath my dress. She did wonderfully, and lay so very still during the entire ordeal… I almost forgot about her… almost. It felt amazing to be able to celebrate my upcoming nuptials and get to bask under the bridal light for a little while.

I haven’t always been one to picture my wedding and what, where and when the ceremony, band, food and people would be placed. It was definitely something that I kept around in my imagination and daydreams though. It both my reality wedding and my fantasies I imagined marrying a man that I was completely in love with, vice versa. Luckily, what one may consider the most important portion of the reality and fantasy is true. I adore my future husband, just adore him. God has blessed me ten-fold.

Life has been certainly full of surprises and in my case these surprises are what have shaped me into the person I’m becoming, am and will be. There have been so many times that I was angry, confused, sad, or happy that my life is full of un-expectations than opposed to planning and detailing. God has taught me so much through these events. I have become a sympathetic woman, capable of tilling ditches in my soul that are full of love and sprinkled with sadness… what some would call bittersweet… yet I love the word tinged… I have a heart of love tinged with deep sadness and remorse. Without a counterpart to an emotion how are we supposed to understand its extent… or how far a feeling can take us? I am learning daily that challenges cultivate… I am being shaped yet God allows me to make the decision which road to travel towards… bitter or sweet? For now these two roads are very much intertwined. Regardless, there is a light that shines through me giving me faith that the sweet spot isn’t something we arrive at magically it’s a choice, so much like the rest of our life.

We find happiness even in our darkest moments.

I had high hopes for last Thursday. It was finally officially South Carolina summer (I would be finishing my Maymester the next day) and Matt was going to be there to celebrate with me… well that and we were attending our first ultrasound appointment together to find out Baby M’s sex.

Unfortunately, our day was darkened by bad news from the doctor’s office about Baby M’s right kidney. Our baby was sick and there wasn’t a thing we could do about it… nor could we make sense of the fact that our baby girl may have a genetic disease that neither of us carry genes for.

After we left the doctors office that morning at 11:30 we went back to my apartment where we called our parents and friends while searching online for fetal kidney disease. I couldn’t quit crying every time we said Baby M or mentioned the morning I fell apart. Matt was there with his big strong arms to hold me though. At one point he had to rock me like he will our baby… I felt absolutely devastated and so angry.

It doesn’t make sense; it’s all I can say. It doesn’t make sense. Why. Over and over again. Hasn’t it already been hard enough, haven’t we been good servants, haven’t we tried to be strong, courageous and believe you know best. Why.Why. Why. Why.

I started to pull myself together around 1:00 because my baby girl was so ready to eat she couldn’t stand it. Matt and I decided to continue on with our planned out celebration day, because other than her kidney M is doing great and she’s even a couple days ahead of schedule… and mommy hasn’t gained anymore than 6 lbs yet.

We had lunch and Mr. Friendly’s outside. Shrimp and grits, fried green tomatos, gazpacho… oh so good. After lunch we went to a couple stores on Devine St. where we looked at furniture and all different types of nick-knacks. We completed our stroll down (a street we’ll never be able to afford) at Little Lambs and Ivy, the most beautiful baby store. We looked at bows, dresses, receiving blankets, ohhh the works. It was magical.

After wards Matt and I took a very serious nap that was much needed.

Well, Matthew’s spirit and energy is hard to keep up with so I already had a late afternoon activity that would definitely take it out of him… strawberry picking! My future husband being the Yankee that he is had never been initiated into the sweltering fields of strawberries searching for the perfect berry for the basket. It was so much fun and I loved watching his expression every time he found “the perfect strawberry”.  Oh I couldn’t have found a better suited man, he was hankering for a milkshake so we scooted over to the Dairy bar where I had chocolate and he had a strawberry frozen treat. We took our milkshakes over to The Fresh Market and picked out chicken salad, pimento cheese (of which Mr. Matt cannot get enough of!), sourdough baguettes, cucumber onion and tomato dill salad and a big ol’ watermelon.

We’d decided to have ourselves a picnic down by the river. We went back home and while Matt did all the prep work I laid on the couch sinking deep into the cushions until he whisked me away again.

After our picnic Matt and I returned home for the final time that evening just to watch TV and talk about how we were both feeling.

I love him. I love our baby. I love God.

Baby M,

My sweet girl your daddy felt you kick for the first time Saturday night (May 28^th) while we were watching Father of the Bride. Thank you for giving him that special memory, he loves you so much, as do I. I can’t wait until I can hold you in my arms. I hope you smell as good as your Papa does!

Love you.